In the beginning, most people feel a profound numbness. Some liken it to being in a fog. This numbness may actually be helpful to you. It allows you to make the necessary arrangements for the funeral and handle other immediate duties.

When the fog clears, most people’s emotions fall into a state of turmoil. You may have flashbacks of the moment you were notified of the death, or of the last time you saw your loved one alive. Little things like everyday sights, sounds, and smells will occasionally trigger both good and bad memories of the lost loved one(s). This may continue to occur months or even years after the death. You may dream of your loved one, or believe that he or she will soon walk through that door. Part of you will deny that your loved one is dead.

At first, you may experience spasms of grief and find yourself crying as if you cannot stop. The spasms gradually will become farther apart. You may have panic attacks and feel afraid for your own life or the lives of other family members and friends. You may be filled with restlessness and unable to concentrate on anything. Your appetite may change. You may also be unable to sleep at night or you may have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning to face another day.

Each survivor lives with What-ifs? and has questions like: Why did I let them go?; What if I had been with them?; and Why didn’t I act differently at our last moment together? This is a normal reaction. Please remember that no one can predict the future or recreate things into what might have been. Adults know that we cannot change events that happen. Children often feel that they themselves have actually caused the terrible event by their actions and thoughts, regardless of how irrational that thought might be. Adults stressed by traumatic events often dip back into childhood thought patterns. It is likely that your guilt feelings are based here.

Anger can be both frightening and motivating. Sometimes it may feel as if anger will overwhelm you. It may be directed at the system, an agency, a carrier (e.g., airlines), or even close family members and friends. It is also common to be angry with God. Once people recognize and admit their anger, they may feel guilty about it. The anger is another completely normal feeling experienced by survivors.

Be careful to avoid letting this event become an excuse for child abuse, spouse abuse, substance abuse or other forms of behavior harmful to yourself or others. Anger may immobilize you or move you to relentless activity. Either way, it is a natural reaction to sudden, severe loss. Your anger probably will never completely go away but, with time and support, you will learn to manage the anger. You may even find that it is helping you take back control of your life.

For the first time in their lives, many survivors find themselves thinking of ways to get back at ______ for their loss. Understandably, some people are deeply disturbed by this emotion. This is another thing that can cause you to worry that you are losing it (going crazy). This is generally a normal reaction. Counselors of survivors find that almost every person they work with thinks about revenge. Having these feelings does not mean you are going to act on them.

Some people will tell you that wanting revenge is unhealthy and that the only way you can find peace is to forgive. If forgiveness is in your heart, fine, but do not allow people to place unnecessary guilt on you if you do not feel forgiving. Chances are they have never been through what you are experiencing.

As the reality of the death sinks in, depression usually is not far behind. The world may seem to lose meaning for you. Activities that you once enjoyed may now seem like a burden. You may feel as if there is little point in going on, or you may want to avoid contact with others.

During all of these phases of mourning you will need to keep talking with someone you can trust, a person who is non-judgmental and has a listening ear. This may be the only way to keep from getting stuck in one phase. Don’t be afraid to get some counseling if you feel more support is needed.

Factual information is a critical need for family members and close friends following a fatal event. You will likely want to know the specific details surrounding the death of your loved one. You will likely not find answers to all of your questions. While you will initially find yourself focusing on the most minute details, as you begin accepting your loss, this obsession will diminish.

Look to the agencies responding to the disaster as sources of factual information. For example, the transportation carrier (e.g., an airline) and the lead government agencies that are involved in a transportation accident (e.g., the National Transportation Safety Board) will provide the facts as they become available. The coroner can provide information in other situations.

You will probably experience a great need to understand why this tragedy happened. In your search for understanding, you may feel the need to know everything there is to know about what happened, where it happened, etc. Visiting the area where the death occurred helps many survivors process the event. After some time has passed, you may decide to become an advocate, working to prevent similar tragedies from happening in the future.

When a tragedy happens to a family, you might expect it to pull the family together. This is not always the case. It is not unusual for counselors to see families separate, both physically and emotionally, following a major stress like this kind of sudden loss. At a time like this, communication is very important. Work hard to express your feelings within your family and with your supportive friends. Seek counseling if you realize that communication is breaking down and you and your family are unable to improve it by yourselves.

When you hurt, you often turn to people outside your family who have always been there for you - your friends. But, can they be there in the way that you need them a month, six months, or a year after the death? Often, they have gone back to focusing more on their own lives, even though you still need to talk.

If you bring up the death (or the circumstances surrounding it), they may change the subject. Many people do not want to listen to the details of a tragedy, although it is very important for survivors to continue to talk about those details. It is tough for many people who have not been through it to talk about something this frightening. They may fear they will not say the right things or they will not be good listeners on a subject that it so emotionally charged. They may also feel hopelessly inadequate. Remember that the loss of your loved one(s) probably hit them with the stark reality that, if this happened to you, it can just as easily happen to them, turning their world upside down, just as it has done to you.

You may notice that people you have known for years now avoid you on the street or in a store. Your coworkers may avert their eyes and not see you, as though you have suddenly become invisible. This is because they usually have no idea what to say and they do not realize that, for you, this feels like rejection. This, in turn, adds to your grief because now you feel that you are losing your closest circle of friends, in addition to the person(s) who died.

This problem can be faced in a variety of ways. You can write these friends off and stop seeing them altogether. You can continue to have contact with them but avoid the subject that you most need to discuss. You can raise the issue directly with your friends and try to deal with it openly and honestly with them. You can also add to your circle of friends by spending more time with people who can respond to you in sensitive and helpful ways. Talking with survivors who have been through similar events can be extremely valuable because they know how important it is to talk about the experience rather than avoid it. They can also identify with what you are going through because they have been there, not in exactly the same way, but enough to reassure you that what you are experiencing is normal and not crazy.

John D. Weaver, LCSW, BCD, ACSW, CBHE, is a Casework Supervisor (and the Mental Health Disaster Response Coordinator) for Northampton County Mental Health and works as a part-time therapist for Concern, both in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. He is a member of the Adjunct Faculty of DeSales University's ACCESS Program (Center Valley, PA), where he teachs undergraduate social work courses. He has served in a similar capacity with Marywood University's Graduate School of Social Work and the Psychology Department of Northampton Community College, both in the Lehigh Valley, PA. In addition to his direct-service work, noted above, Weaver is a founding partner of EYE OF THE STORM, Inc., a private consultation and education group practice specializing in disaster mental health, crisis intervention, and risk management related training and support. He served as a DMH consultant to Operation Help (the FEMA crisis counseling grant program in PA resulting from the January '96 blizzard and subsequent flooding, FEMA-1093-DR.

Weaver received his undergraduate degree in Psychology from Moravian College, Bethlehem, PA and his Masters Degree in Social Work from the University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, PA. Throughout his career he has written several articles and two books. He recently served as an expert reviewer for crisis management guide for schools. Weaver is frequently is invited to present seminars and papers at national conferences in social work (including NASW '90 in Boston, '95 in Philadelphia, and '96 in Cleveland), psychology (APA '95 in New York), counseling (ACA '96 in Pittsburgh and '97 in Orlando), and nursing (ACAPN '97 in Philadelphia).

He has been an active volunteer with several organizations including the Mental Health Association and the American Red Cross (ARC). Weaver currently is ranked as a DMH Coordinator and has assisted at several local and national disasters including service during the Great Mississippi River/Midwest Floods of 1993, the 1994 airline crash in Pittsburgh, and the 1996 airline crash in the Everglades. He is also a volunteer DMH instructor for ARC and travels the country several times each year to help teach their two-day classes and expand the level of preparedness. In recognition of his service to the organization, ARC has presented him a Clara Barton Honor Award for Meritorious Volunteer Leadership. Weaver is donating half of his royalties from Disasters: Mental Health Interventions (1995, Sarasota, FL, Professional Resource Press; phone 1-800-443-3364) to the American Red Cross National Disaster Relief Fund and his publisher, Larry Ritt of Professional Resource Press, is matching his donation.

John Weaver (610) 614-1860 - home and private practice number 4635 Hillview Drive (610) 974-7508 - office (Northampton County MH) Nazareth, PA 18064-8531 e-mail: johndweaver@compuserve.com

To view more information about DMH and disaster preparedness, see Weaver's Internet web site: [http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/johndweaver]